Friends Who Are Expecting T-Shirts

"Wow! According to this if I dig straight down I'll find a delivery suite."

Childbirth and Covid 19

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

'As you can see, it's too late for a termination...Baby is capable of surviving outside the womb...'

Push Push Push: sign on maternity ward doors.

'Your pediatrician? No. . . I'm your baby's college admissions representatives.'

'I'm afraid this doubles your bill.'

'I'm afraid we can't deliver your baby until your CRB check comes through.'

-THIRTY thousand? I thought you wanted TEN thousand? -I'm having triplets!

"Underwater Childbirth Ward."

"Congratulations! It's a pain in the ass."

Baby in womb chooses from multiple choice pregnancy symptoms...

"I didn't realise it could be so complicated!"

'Yes, technology has come a long way, but the baby won't have a touch screen.'

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

Sonographer and pregnant couple looking at images of the fetus on a screen with options to share the image on various social media platforms

"Nine months in here?? I trust I can get out in seven months with good behaviour!"

'I'm afraid we don't deliver on Sundays.'

"Would you like to cut the cord?"

'...And there's the hands - it looks like - well, it looks like he's texting.'

Books: Names That Will Make Your Child Hate You!

'When are you going to take it out of its original package?'

The Ultrasound.

Birth canal: Keep clear at all times.

"Keep pushing, I can see the head!"

"Now they tell me there's a departure tax."

'I told you we should have packed a lunch.'

"We don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, as long as it’s not annoying."

'In the owners manual it's listed as Foetal muzak. I call it gurgling intestines!!'

The Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'I'm a fully qualified puppeteer!'

"If you like the baby pictures you should see the 'Making Of' video!"

'And she's got the gall to call me chubby.' - Hubert's comment on a pregnancy.

'Houdini's mother had an odd and difficult pregnancy.' 'Oh no. He's gone again!'

"I guess I've got the spirit in me!"

"Baby's First Book of Retirement Planning...?"