Friend Of A Widow Pillows

'I had Geoffrey's carbon made into a diamond.' 'Lovely! I had Stanley's bones made into soap.'

Help! I'm ROFL and ICGU!

"Why bother?"

'You know you're getting old when you take longer to recover than to get tired.'

7 Dwarves of Retirement

Man needs to buy excuse for missing work from vending machine.

Mr. Evers specifically asked for a plain coffee, not an espresso.

"I'm excited to get fixed at the vet, had no idea I was broken."

"You really need to think about getting glasses."

"When are you gonna roll in something?"

Rejuvenile Delinquents.

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

"Their wedding registry has 8 place settings of double wall, stainless steel water bottles."

"He's starting to flag a bit"

"...and in conclusion..."

Remote Control Duck

"I get it! I get it! Elephants never forget. Now quit bragging about it!"

"The doc says I won't even make it another 45 years."

"Well, Dr. Garcia said he's doing all he can, but he can't make me any younger. But I don't care about getting younger. I just want to keep getting older."

'I can't make you younger...odometer tampering is against the law.'

'I haven't done anything. My ex-wife had those posters printed.'

Medication for the elderly

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

"The world revolves around my cat."

Checking for signs of life.

Mort, the doctor says you can't get too riled up. It's bad for your heart. Yes, dear. You're not a young man anymore. You're not in tip-top shape. You don't eat well. You're not so muscular. I'm not a fan of your haircut. Nurse!

'If I knew it would mean all these hospital appointments, I'd never have got old!'

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

"We're trying to give geriatrics a sexier image..."

"I enjoy being old - my health always gives me something to talk about!"

I'm Aging Gracefully...so SHUT UP!!!

Bartender: 'Bad day, huh?' Man: 'I'll say. My vindictive ex-wife just won sole custody of my inner child.'

Have you seen Dorothy lately? She's sooo over the rainbow!

Two years ago, during a special episode of the Ask Sadie show, our resident octogenarian asked readers for advice about how she can deal with her midlife crisis. Here is an actual reader letter: Dear Sadie, My son just taught me how to use an iPad, so I am writing to tell you that doing so makes me feel young again. You might want to try it. - Nathaniel from Ontario. Thank you for helping me feel young! I may not be as spry as I was back in the old days ... but at least I've never taken two whol

Old Biker: Now that I'm a real biker, all the old babes will want my body.