Friend Dealing With Infidelity Mugs

"You may not like what I've dug out, but you did ask me to snoop into your husband!"

"I feel like I don’t even know my own husband ... and it’s driving me wild!"

"Their wedding registry has 8 place settings of double wall, stainless steel water bottles."

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

"Put it under your pillow, and maybe you'll get a visit from the hair fairy."

'I'll never forget you, Vince -- My therapist says it would be counterproductive to try.'

"It's not good, Jack. She's after the house, the condo, custody, half your retirement $ 12,000 a month and she still wants a pound of flesh."

"And the person who made all those promises, this man you loved, trusted and ran away with, who subsequently stole your life savings and then abandoned you... is he in the courtroom today?"

The golfer apologized for all his affairs. The governor regrets all his affairs. So does the former presidential candidate. I don't get the abstinence until marriage idea. Shouldn't it be abstinence AFTER marriage?

"So let me see... for your last will you have decided to bequeath all your unpaid tax bills to your ex husband."

"My dad was too much of a babe magnet for the marriage to have worked."

'Hell hath no furry like the lawyer of a woman scorned.'

"Don't even start, Claire. You knew I was a snake when you took me in."

'There's a simple explanation, dear. Someone stole my identity.'

The End is Near...You Wish.

'Right, how can I help you?'

Hard Hat Area: Marriage Guidance Bureau.

"… and then Roger discovered fly fishing and I discovered Gregory."

I was in a menage a trois...until she ran off with our marriage guide counsellor!

'Now, I'm curious as to why there would be blonde hair in your hairball!'

'I'm sorry Roger, it's not you, it's the way you move, it's just so bizarre.'

'I do still love you, Morton, but there's a subtext.'

"My wife can't make it tonight, she's on a date."

"If you had to choose between your husband and a million dollars...what would you buy?"

"Your wife ran off with your best friend? Interesting... go with that."

Breaking up is hard to do. Well, most of the time.

"We never talk anymore...except thru your lawyer."

'What a lovely card.' 'Yes, and it's made from recycled paper. Which is apprpriate considering you're on the rebound.'

'The first wives club'

Mort, you haven't dealt with your anger over Sadie's infidelity. Tell her how you feel. Okay. Amanda Kern. Comics counseling. You're a harlot and a tramp. Whatever. Mort, get some heart into it. Use your bullhorn. Harlot!!! Jerk!!! Good, feel the bitter recrimination.

"I've never asked Ralph, but I think there's another woman."

'I'd like to get rid of him. Is there an app for that?'

'No, Keith. It isn't just the same as me bringing Teddy to bed!'

"Every time I start to get close to a woman an alarm goes off in my head."

"Truth be known, I don't miss him at all!"