Fortune Protector Pillows

"With Crystal Protect, we'll monitor your crystal ball to prevent the hack and theft of your clients' fortunes."

'The prevailing wisdom is that markets are always right. I think that luck is always right.'

'The bad news is you're going to marry a geek, and not a pro athlete. The good news is the geek owns the team.'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"You must be cheating - no one's that lucky!"

"We're counting on you to reverse this trend before this afternoon's investors meeting."

Business cartoon showing sales declining so much that they bounce off the floor.

"I intend to stay in this job, come Hell or high water."

'You reached the Nervous Investor Fund's Hotline. The per share value is now 19.05, now 18.91, now...'

'This app is linked to my financial advisor and provides simulated hand holding when the market is down.'

'I want to find out what the formula was I wrote yesterday on the blackboard and was erased by the custodian.'

'This New Year you will be bathed in a sea of cash!...Hand on...Sorry. This New Year you will need a flea bath for some sort of rash.'

"I suppose you're all wondering why I called this meeting today."

'Don't worry about making your will, Miss Moneybags leave everything to me. . .'

"Mine says this relationship will never work out and I should dump you right now!"

'Can you see the future of my 401(k)?'

"....and then it turned out that the e-mail I ignored that I got from the Nigerian bank offering me £200 million was REAL!"

"There's something about seeing red that just drives me crazy."

'Come off it-she only said the guys will be fighting over us because you said we lived UNDER a boxing club!'

"I've found that when money starts talking, you can't shut 'er up!"

Made all my investment decisions with a coin flip.

'The crystal ball says to buy and the 8-Ball says to sell.'

Man sees 'Palm Readings and Stock Projections' business window

The stock market sky is falling.

'Closing the letter with 'Very fondly yours' seems okay but let's run it by legal, to be sure it cannot be misinterpreted as sexual harassment.'

'You see me coming here every week and paying you fifty dollars...'

Nun confronts mugger.

"Trepanning for gold"

'Congratulations! You've just won ten million dollars!'

'After only a few years in the market I had a small fortune - unfortunately I'd started out with a big one.'

"I think the scientists want us to realize our world is warming and do something before future generations can't live here anymore, but it's tough to focus when cheese is so good."

"The last thing I remember was asking my broker if all my money had been in risk-free bonds."

Golden Eggs.

'Risky? Good lord no! We're going to make a fortune!'

'Sorry, but I won't discuss my financial portfolio on a first date.'