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Very Slow Service

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

'I think I'll go home and eat'

The British Territory of the South Sandwich Islands.

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

'Lining my pockets with aluminum foil so I can sneak Thanksgiving leftovers home.'

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Yes, I am impressed at how fast you got here, but where's my pizza?'

'Would you care for some fresh pepper? Well too bad, because all we have is these dried up old peppercorns.'

Better Not Squash.

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"I can assure you ladies all our eggs come from free range chickens."

"I'm just the bus boy but I'll be ignoring you also."

"I don't know where to begin, each dish has its own app."

As I say, local produce, locally produced; all our meats tonight come form our local meat processing plant.

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."

'We just invented cooking yesterday, and already she's serving leftovers!'

"May I offer you a side of life insurance?"

F&E Diner. I'll bet you want the alphabet soup, right? Hey! Don't put words in my mouth!

You are what you eat (Nuts).

'This is gluten free, isn't it?'

'And it comes with oven mitts, butter, sour cream and chives.'

NASA, 'I thought YOU were bringing a can opener!'

"[Old Steak Bone Tavern]"

Weight Loss Counselor, out for a 400 calorie lunch.

Uncle Giving Boy a Mince Pie

"Here's the pub-grub you ordered"

'Today's special is yesterday's left-overs.'

"My lord, Sir Arthur is pleased to bid thee welcome to his food court."

"Obviously, sir, it's a very discerning, vegetarian fly."

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"They're going to print a retraction - your desserts are not inconsistent."

Bagel problems.

'Careful, the plate is really hot.'