Foodie Deceiver T-Shirts

'Not only our fishcakes, Granny Cora herself was recalled. She's not really a Granny.'

"Two burgers, two fries, two martinis—and we'll have those to go."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

'I burned my fingers by touching the hot breakfast eggs, but next time, I'll peel them before I put them into boiling water!'

Fast Food Dieter

'I had the recipe upside down, so it's beefed corn.'

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

"I'm not trying to freak you out, but your eel roll is moving."

GM Crops Genie.

Doughnut Criminals

The moat won't keep you from raiding the fridge if you order him to lower the drawbridge.

'My French is not so good.'

"Your chocolate biscuits and cakes are getting smaller - and where's your sweets aisle?"

Horse meat scandal.

"He's a fussy eater."

Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."

'Word to the wise: Always check the cheese for pills.'

The big break in the case of the missing French Fries: 'But just to make sure, can you have each of them squawk.'

"Pecan pie with rum-raisin ice cream is the best revenge."

"Every time my wife has an accident in the kitchen, I end up eating it. . ."

'... we've got a crowd of, oh I'd say fourteen million organisms here for the annual 'Salmonella potato salad bowl'!'

'Police. We have reason to believe you've been hacking into your neighbor's computers and stealing their recipes.'

Fitz wasn't sure if this was a legitimate rescue or just more culinary trickery.

"When you came down for a snack last night, did you see a plate of dog food in here?"

'Waiter! There's a . . . oh, never mind.'

Butcher Shop. Special: Soup Bones! Soup has bones?!

Tiny restaurant portion. Man finds magnifying glass amongst cutlery.

'This restaurant has got zero stars, right? Every single one of them is well deserved.'

Pizza Exam: 'Just deliver it around the back of 'B' block. The money will be by the window. . .'

"You asked me to keep a food diary, this is last week's!"

It's not a fortune - it's a list of food code violations at the Chinese restaurant next door.

'Grate two hundred grammes of cheddar cheese...' - 'Uh-oh.' - 'Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...' - 'Cheese gives me nightmares.' - 'Argh!!! No!!! Make it stop!! I can't take the pain!! No!! Arghhhh!!!'

'Give me a size 12 please.'

'You've got me. Is it animal, vegetable or minestrone?'

'Now that I can afford anything on the menu, I can't digest anything on the menu.'