Foodie Critic Gifts

'It turned out that if I gave up smoking, drinking and eating rich food I had a 36% greater risk of dying of boredom.'

"If only the aftertaste came first."

"Of course the chef ‘suggests’ it — it’s seventy-five bucks!"

An everything bagel? You call this an everything bagel?

'He's sending it back....again! I swear this guy can't get no satisfaction.'

"...and here's some I made earlier..."

'Waiter, I don't remember ordering this gristle!'

'Are you sure this is a good restaurant, Frank?'

"This rabbit pie, it's not like my mother used to make."

"What are you most looking forward to complaining about once restaurants reopen?"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

"When I was your age. I was really smelly."

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

'Oh, and I suppose I'm the only one who's ever heard it's a 'dog eat dog world'?'

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

6 Brothers Falafel

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

Newton discovers gravity and apple sauce in the same day.

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"Maybe if we added some pumpkin spice?"

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

"Rump roast?"

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'