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Firewood for Sale

Counting ribs

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Where do we put Desserts?"

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

CAUTION: Creative genius at work

Spontaneous Kombucha

OFA. Onion Farmer of the Year. I told myself I wasn't going to cry ….

"Nice try, Mom, but I'm going to go with a caterer."

"Is the garbage fresh?"

"You'll find that as a restaurateur I've worked hard to showcase the finest in organic and free range ingredients that have been harvested and prepared in authentic and traditional ways."

A convenient attack of swine flu...

"I just found a lacto-vegan restaurant and Janet from accounts says she's FRUITAIAN!"

"Whoa! One last doughnut left."

Vegetables VS Junk Food.

"Everybody's doing quinoa—at least Kamut still has a nice grainier-than-thou quality."

'Real hungry? Should be, 'Really hungry.' Adjectives take adverbs.'

"It's natural, vegan organic, no additives, preservatives or cooking."

"Enlightenment can only come when you realize there is more to life than gluten free hot sauce."

"Our greatest fears are confirmed, they've taken waffle fries off the menu."

Bedside Manna.

"We couldn't find a raw-vegan, gluten-free, sugar-free, non-G.M.O. cake for your birthday, so we got you nothing."

"I can't remember if I'm off red meat, or eating nothing but red meat."

Waiting staff

"And the best part of grinding their bones to make your bread - totally gluten free!"

"Fall is coming, Snickers. We must pumpkin spice everything."

Cook spills food and has to open a can (tin).

'Three, two, one. Stand clear.'

All You Can Eat

'This is quite common. You've eaten so many sausages that you've turned into one.'

Cutlery store: Big Sale! Everything slashed!

"In this restaurant, quality control means I must approve every picture you take of the food."

"We've gone 'Glutton-Free'."

"I'll have the crescent-crab 'purses' and the smoked duck 'hash' – hold the quotation marks."