Fixture Fanatic Pillows

'And this is the ultimate in low-flush toilets!'

No, I didn't know they were going to cut the office furniture budget in half.

"Ya know, 'DUH' can be a very hurtful word."

'But I digress...'

'So...you THINK you have what it takes to be a scientist...?'

'Fetch.'

I quilt therefore I am

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

"Why do dogs wag their tails? Because it always brings results."

'Super Dog'

"Do you do temporary ones that last about two weeks?"

If nobody had invented graphics

'Originally he was the mascot until we discovered he had a golden foot.'

'Frank built it himself. The last football will fall through the hourglass 10 seconds before the Super Bowl starts.'

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"I'm working from home today."

Raheem Sterling

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

"Then one day, as I caught a tennis ball in midair, I asked myself, 'Is this all there is?'"

'I trust these equations settle the argument, Professor Lang. It's your round.'

Alternative fielding positions

'Now that's the Group of Death.'

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

Four Common Lampshade Mistakes and How To Avoid Them.

"I'm not using my jumper as a goalpost, sir, I'm using it as a jumper."

Name one serious woodworker who doesn't use state of the art kit. Thomas Chippendale.

Football

"Get... a-nother room!"

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

'This one's good if you like to toss and turn all night.'

Big screen TV.

'And at what stage did you realise the ball you were heading was on the TV?'

Man admiring his patterned clothes in the mirror

'I had no idea Ikea had been around so long.'