Fitting Room Enthusiast T-Shirts

"It's two sizes too big, but it fits."

"Man's best friends."

'I found the termites!'

'What kind of alteration did you have in mind?'

'We finished all the repairs in the cafeteria kitchen this morning, but the food still tastes lousy.'

"So, how's the money pit in the kitchen coming?"

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

"Milk does a body good but champagne does it better!"

Unknowingly, with one swish of his blood soaked mammoth tail he was inflicting pain and suffering on billions of unborn people. Home decorating had been invented.

Cutaway view of house undergoing renovation

'Hello, Acme Termite Control...?'

You're right, it's the house next door that gets the new window.

"Not more sleeve alterations?!"

Medical Center.

'Oh, honey, what a lovely house... We'll place the couch here, the cupboard there and my psychiatrist right here!'

"The point of going outside is the feeling when coming back inside."

'It's our latest line-suits for t.v announcers'

'We'll take it!'

"They're exactly the same, except in Hell you have to put on your own duvet cover."

Mobile.

"I'm all set to start the weekend reno project..." "And I'm all set to call 911."

'This guy's FAST!'

"I've decided to replace the sod floor with tile."

"We're thinking Shag Carpet. I'm tired of hardwood floors."

'How does this one feel?'

"Bird of paradise, my ass."

Wine Lovers

'That was some varnish remover!'

'I was interested to see that you're living in a complete pigsty. Ours isn't quite finished yet.'

"That? - oh my husband - a closet bricklayer."

Jeans Styles

We're all litigation crazy. Last week I had to sue my wife for joint custody of the closet.

'You should apply for government relief. Your room is a disaster area!'

"Normally I wouldn't take any notice of all these ads on how to improve my performance in the bedroom..."