Fine Dining Critic Pillows

'Food in this restaurant is rather disgusting! -I agree! And look how small the portions are!'

"It's a Haiku dinner."

Waiter does not want to see customer make bubbles in his wine.

'You call that restaurant upscale? I couldn't even get a pitcher of Champagne.'

'Shark fin's soup madam.'

"Perhaps you could recommend a nice bottle of something, to compliment this vile slop I've just been served."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"The fish sticks here are very good."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

'Only the years when the market was Bullish...'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

Cut out and keep your own Christmas Caterer.

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

"Compliments to the chef! Pass it on."

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"How fresh is the calamari?"

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

Gaston's Gourmet Truckstop

Hamish Harris. The boy bon vivant.