Financial Wizardry Seeker Pillows

Investment company offers free paper shredder.

'We've set the bar quite high at this company. It helps us control bonuses.'

"This is not permanent...we'll be back as soon as things start to look up."

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"They've given me the Lion's share of budgetary constraints."

'These are the end of year figures recollected in tranquility.'

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

'... And this is Goldsmith, our futures consultant.'

"When was the last time you exercised something other than a purchase option?"

'I'm afraid that the top investment banks are looking for more from job applicants than a 'Top Degree from the University of Hard Knocks'.'

'Brilliant, Prof.Brainstorm. Any fool can come up with a new product, you've come up with a new tax break.'

"My accountant is brilliant - he has just had a loophole names after him!"

'We must grasp this new opportunity'

'When I turned 18 something started happening to me every month. I started receiving a credit card bill.'

"What's wrong, boy? Has Google's stock gone down?!"

Cartoon about having many investors for crowd funding.

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

'Dad 'If Jack brought 10,000 shares at $3 and he sold 75% of them to Larry for $8 before the value went down to $2, what did Jack end up with?''

Aggressive growth fund loses money shorting gold.

'The golden eggs are great... but I need you to lay a golden parachute.'

Saving for College.

'Excellent job, Fenwick, especially the part where you employ Magic Realism to fudge third-quarter earnings!'

'I'm feeling absolutely marvelous. I think I'll acquire another company.'

"Dad, wouldn't my allowance be better off earning interest in a tax free municipal bond fund?"

'Don't worry dear, I made a bundle shorting your failing financial services company'

"This guy might like fiddling with numbers, Dad – but is he any good at sums?"

"For my next trick, I shall turn four consecutive quarters of losses into a positive outlook going forward."

"The good news is that profits are up 76%. . . The BAD news is that costs are up 83%."

'The good news is that we're making huge profits - the bad news is that we won't be getting a bailout.'

'Bedtime stories at the Browns'.'

'Diversify, diversify, diversify. Never keep all your eggs in one basket, unless it's Easter.'