Financial Regret Humorist Gifts

"I keep feeling we should float the company"

Entering the Business Community: Assets/Liabilities

Will work for ETFs

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

"I'd like to thank my parents and my creditors for making this possible."

'On the plus side we've saved money by getting all the numbers on one graph.'

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

"Might you explain to me how your division managed to spend twenty-six thousand dollars on tennis balls?"

'The reason I like this guy's stock picks is, he's not burdened by having any experience in finance whatsoever.'

"Call security, Miss Rightman. I have an overwhelming urge to throw good money after bad"

"When the company announced that they're gonna move our retirement accounts down to Mexico, I was like '401 Que Pasa?'"

Money Bar.

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

'City Traders - The Complete Menagerie'

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

'I understand they specialize in acquisitions.'

Vinnie's Repossessions: A Turtle has just had his shell repossessed

Paper Profits Break Glass In Case of Emergency.

'This is our golden anniversary. Let's invest in gold.'

Credit Crunch Corn Flakes.

"True, a salary cap on Wall Street may limit the talent pool, but, on the other hand, if they get any more talented we'll all be broke."

But under a different accounting convention ...

'You've been pre-approved for another credit card.'

'If you're out of quarterly earnings, I'll take the assets and liabilities breakdown.'

'Instead of jail time, our head of finance chose the stock option.'

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

'If you must know... I got the ten-million-dollar bonus this year because... instead of losing 15-million-dollars, we could of possibly lost much, much more!'

'As part of our alternative budget management strategy we've got Tim on 'Hail Marys' in here and Geoff sacrificing a goat to Woden next door!'

White Collar Crime.

'Can you see the future of my 401(k)?'

'Actually, they're a hybrid. They are a blue-chip, common stock.'

The Euro - R.I.P.

'Mr. Hickey really knows how to keep our stockholders meetings short and sweet!'