Financial News Gifts

"On Wall Street today, news of lower interest rates sent the stock market up, but then the expectation that these rates would be inflationary sent the market down, until the realization that lower rates might stimulate the sluggish economy pushed the mark

"On Wall Street today, the stock market corrected its previous correction, and is pretty sure it's got it right this time."

"If I keep predicting a market crash, eventually I'll have to be right!"

'Rumors...'

"Everywhere you look, there's a rate hike."

"Today the stock market sputtered, dropped...and ended the day unchanged"

"Today stocks closed higher on news that Janet Yellen was overheard saying, 'What, me worry?'"

Giant merger.

'Stocks rebounded from the downturn on news that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.'

'The Dow has shot up 2.5% on positive data on housing - until five minutes from now, when it'll be interpreted differently.'

"Today casino stocks dropped on news that what happened in Vegas was spotted in Atlantic city."

'Stocks fell on the news that whatever can go wrong, usually does go wrong.'

"Today stock index funds gained, on news that managed funds dropped."

"Today, tech stocks dropped on news that luddite stocks rose."

'We need more expert analysis than 'the stock market was down, because it wasn't up.''

'Four out of five economists agree that economics is indeed 'the dismal science'.'

'The Fed today announced a tightening in the bank toaster supply....'

'Uh-oh! It's always bad news when they start the stock market report with an 'it's only money' advisory.'

'You're watching too much financial news. Your blood pressure rises and falls inversely to the stock market.'

"What a great day to be alive and not under indictment."

"Now let's hear from a contrarian."

"Today inflation drove up the price of everything, except my salary."

'Blue chip stocks fell on fears tech stocks would rise. Tech stocks dropped on fears blue chips would rise.'

'Skip the comics. Let's get on to the financial page.'

Airline Debts: Layoffs to help us stay afloat.

Where's the difference?

Go with the flow! Invest in plumbing supplies.

'Why are you so bloody cheerful?'

'Just when you're learning the value of a dollar they have the euro.'

Businessman uses yoga moves while reviewing financial news on computer

'So, a bailout is like a Ponzi scheme for automakers?'

"I never knew you could have so much fun with a global debt bubble."

'Interest in our Payday loan story has increased dramatically overnight.'

'Today, the word on the street was, 'What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.''

"The Stock market was depressing today, so we're just going to rerun Alan Greenspan admonitions from the old days..."