Financial Markets Gifts

'Basically it's a stock that if a chain of near miraculous events would happen to occur, you'd make a bundle.'

"Can you increase its range?"

Have a Box - the red contains a whistle which you can blow before the securities and exchange commission. The blue one has a bonus, which you can take home and spend.

"Who's on duty today...you or me?"

'The market moved higher today on rumors that the market would move higher today.'

'Do you have any 'Congratulations on your I.P.O.' cards?'

'Yes, it went from 100 to 2, which is down 98%, but then it went from 2 to 4, which is up 100%, so you're ahead.'

'...and then the DOW rallied six hundred points and the three bears felt like idiots...'

Open a new account and receive a foreclosed house.

"No one knows what he does, but it's rumored that he's the guy who sets global oil prices."

"On the foreign-exchange markets today, the dollar fell against all major currencies and the doughnut."

"Thank you gentlemen for voting me as chairman."

The 8.05 to Wall Street.

'In a dramatic reversal, economists now believe that leading economic indicators are now lagging economic indicators.'

'All these new regulations will totally alter the way we screw the consumer.'

'In here, insider trading has a whole new meaning.'

'Having investment jitters when the market is not experiencing jitters, is perfectly normal.'

The bonus is performance based. You lost lots, which resulted in big bailout. Way to go.

'Stocks finished higher today, paced by rising drug and fuel costs, divorces,malpractice suits,bankruptcy fees and medical bills.'

In case of falling stocks, break glass (bottle of gin).

'Congratulations, Mr Henderson, Your gross income has just become a totally gross income!'

'The free investment advice is buy low and sell high. We offer more detailed investment advice for a fee.'

'My attorney will explain why calling it a 'bear market' makes me a victim of profiling.'

Exchange Rate Going Down the Plughole

"The sky is falling - I just heard it from a very reliable source!"

We need to put more money into Lithuanian sardine futures...I think that warrants bonuses all around!

'We're quite confident this lull won't last long.'

'Will broker deals for food'

'Your portfolio is down and your blood pressure is up.'

Stock Market.

Wall Street - Red Flag To A Bull

"It creates the illusion of risk but you know you're perfectly safe."

'Government economists said today's stock market drop was due to 'normal gravitational forces'.'

"You're lucky to have an imaginary friend at all, don't expect stock tips too."

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