Financial Fortune Teller T-Shirts

"If I keep predicting a market crash, eventually I'll have to be right!"

'I'm giving you a standing order to sell all my stock the day before the market crashes.'

"A fool and his money are soon parted."

Stay with your present market investments. Your stock will start to pick up any time now.

'And there you have it. According to our experts, the stock market will either advance, decline, or remain unchanged this year.'

Desk trays for 'irrationally exuberant' and 'irrationally sluggish'.

"Remember, Joey, Life is a good preparation for stocks -- lots of ups and downs."

'Stocks and bonds dropped...on news that 'all that glitters is not gold'.'

RIP Arlo P Hall - He made his pile and got out before the market went bust.

'I wonder if I can increase its range?'

"I see no new taxes, followed by some new taxes."

Chicken - "The Dow is falling...the dow is falling..."

Bill Gates Waiting for the Stock Market to Bounce Back

BUY A.T.T. at 28.25

'And this is where we attempt to forecast the true size of the spending cuts!'

'I see part of your investment portfolio increasing in value however it's not clear which part.'

'Today, stocks dropped on poll numbers that 60% of people expected it to drop.'

"And that's the projection for that stock."

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'Any minute now I'll be getting a headache.'

"I forsee you will have a better chance of winning the lottery than growing your testicles back."

"Why bother?"

"The sweater you knit him will be thrown out in February."

Don't worry, I see babies, lots of babies...

"This paw has you meeting a lovely poodle, an enchantress who will win your heart... but look, here, this is telling me she's lousy with fleas."

'The bad news is you're going to marry a geek, and not a pro athlete. The good news is the geek owns the team.'

'I foresee a few more months of creating havoc without consequences, and then, yes, I see the 'cute' factor will start to wear thin...'

Asking out a palm reader.

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

Man enters a palm reading establishment carrying a tropical plant.

'... And this is Goldsmith, our futures consultant.'

Quantum Psychic

'Oh, no - I have to read each tentacle - that'll be extra, of course.'

"Tell her she's dead. I don't want to talk about the relationship."

"I'm not sure you'll want to know this."