Finance Guru Gifts

"It's up to you now, Miller. The only thing that can save us is an accounting breakthrough."

A Day In The Kitchen

"Today on Wall Street, yesterday's panic selling was replaced by panic buying."

Growth vs Sustainability.

Help! Sold Derivatives when I didn't even know what they were.

'The price of a stock will fluctuate on these three factors...'

'Looks good. Let me run it past the number-crunchers.'

"Well, thanks anyway for sharing your financial plight with us."

'Do you have any 'Congratulations on your I.P.O.' cards?'

'You keep outliving your old-age retirement savings!'

'I have mostly conservative investments in my retirement portfolio, plus a few riskier, short-term performers tossed in as a hedge against inflation.'

'...and help my parents to pick the right investments for my college education.'

'The Fed decided today not to raise or lower interest rates, but instead just moved them sideways a little.'

Inland Revenue VAT - "Mr Batson, the consequences are here."

GAS PRICES AT PUMP

'The good news, Sir, is that Harris was able to sell off our losing stock. The bad news is that Simpson here, bought them from Harris.'

'And this is where the magic happens.'

"When he said 'money isn't everything' I knew we were in trouble."

Save! O% interest on your deposits.

"Long-term, I like bonds; intermediate-term I like equities; and short-term, I like scotch."

"How is the budget forecast looking?"

'That's our hedge-fund manager ... he's regularly called upon to do the impossible.'

"Oh, him? He's the guy who changes the interest rate when it's set by the fed."

'You're confused? We like that in a sucker...er...I mean, investor.'

How inflation works. . .

'You're a bond trader? Don't worry, there's a new drug to treat interest rate sensitivity.'

"You two have done very well hunting and gathering...perhaps it's time for some investment planning?"

'While your word is your bond, at this point it's a junk bond.'

"Well, according to the books, you've got too much overhead"

'Yes, our finances look bad now, but just remember honey, we always land on our feet.'

'In a surprise move, the fed said interest rates would stay the same, but hemlines would rise.'

"Stocks were bipolar today as delirious euphoria gave way to abject despair and back again."

'Forget about it. What's to say that Frobisher's apples are any better than the hedge fund he used to run?'

"If that income is personal, why do I have to tell you about it"?

'My only real regret in life was not knowing the difference between an asset purchase and a share purchase.'