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'I didn't run for class president because I was unsure if your credit rating could stand the scrutiny.'

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

"Approaching 10,000 steps."

"We found the poor thing stranded on the beach last summer and decided to adopt it."

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"Behold the secret to happiness."

It is important to give your dog opportunities to play with people.

Monster Baseball. The team's continuing to have some problems this season. Jekyll is good one day and bad the next. Dracula only shows up for night games. The Mummy is always covered in bandages and on the injured list. And King Kong can't keep his mind on the game --- Whenever he sees a pretty woman, he climbs up into the stands after her! At least Frankenstein has been pitching great again, just like when he was young! Yeah, he has a completely new arm!

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

'... And some primitive cultures, believed that 'the great ones' modelled us from clay.'

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

At the end of each day, Gary had approximately 7 minutes of free time – which left him feeling very vulnerable.

"What did you say about the health of my gut biome?"

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

Lady taking her little dog to the chemist with a cough

"Bark or stare? Always a tough decision. Bark? Maybe stare? Whimper? Maybe? Meanwhile, stare."

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

The Games Man: Fishing is his sole form of exercise - but he considers it bad form to move more than his wrist when casting.

"How can you be out of wings?"

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

Come dine with me!

"He can't decide which one he likes best. . .His leaf blower, his weed wacker, or his metal detector."

"Good game."

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"Ahhh... close enough."

'I'll be late for dinner, dear. I'm up to my neck in paperwork.'

The Art Student.

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

'Personally, I don't like to play Fetch, but it makes him happy.'

Butterfly Woman

Mike (The Situation) is rumored to have written the original manuscript for his best-selling memoir entirely out of bronzer.

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'Finally! A meeting with one of the bigwigs.'