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I'm announcing the debut of my new manual: "Randy's Movie-Watching for Alphas." Chapter One: The critics are all wrong

Showbiz Awards

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"Yeah, I got into trouble, but I think the principal really enjoyed my rendition of 'I Did It My Way.'"

Orchestra.

'Play it again, Sam.'

Guitar Man.

"...then finally, I got serious and started a band."

"I actually saw ten gay characters on television this week—which almost balanced out the 2,174 straight characters I saw."

He has his own peculiar problems whether casting from the beach or from a boat.

"We need to sue, claiming free speech is being violated by remotes with fast forward buttons."

"If I knew when this was going to end, it wouldn't be so stressful."

Popera!

"They tell me you're a man who has True Magritte."

Motorcycles tied to hitching post outside a western saloon

"Nice design but you haven't quite mastered the technology!"

'Yeah, my home theater even has spilled drinks and popcorn on the floor.'

Cello player with pencil instead of bow

As a reformed gunfight, Big Jake vowed never again to use an iron

'Sue's troubles with the law began the day she bought that first motorbike.'

Hairstyles

David wasn't sure about the idea of having denim curtains.

"Looks like he's coming around to our way of thinking."

I love Marimba

Biker chopper shopper

If I survive this, I'm reinventing myself as a television pundit.

A weather vane on top of an artist's studio points in directions that include: "pop", "abstract", "figurative" and "post-painterly".

Hacksaw Violin.

La Jolla School of Advanced Music Graduate Frank Kettleknyper played a mello cello.

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

'No you idiot! You're supposed to smash your guitar AFTER the show! What are you going to play now?'

'He's determined to not pay for The Times online.'

This is called "The Ballad of a Self-Taught Guitarist."

2001: A Space Odyssey - Updated

"You fit in. You just don't match."