Film Critic Apprentice Gifts

"Dad, Cruz and I are going to see 'Planet of the Apes.'"

"Bond James, Bond."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Benedict Cumberbatch

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Herman Mankiewicz

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

"I've seem an awful lot of movies ever since they cut them all down to two minutes."

"Now Playing: One of those Jane Austen movies."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

'This should be perfect. The main characters fall in love during a series of explosions.'

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

"It turns out that if you give a hundred monkeys a hundred typewriters, eventually they'll turn out the work of Tarantino."

Men: Hating chick flicks since 1623.

Film Festival. Events. Screenings. Ernie attends these festivals in costume. He's gone over to the dork side!

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

Censors 'no' a good thing when they see it.

Reese Witherspoon

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? A scene from an Esther Williams movie.

Standard endings for sci-fi movies...

'It was great. I hated it.'

'This is the worst film noir I've ever seen.'

No, this is the red lagoon, the black one is down the road a bit.

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

The Da Vinci Cod

'Hey, Charlie, have we got good news for you!'

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

The Beard in the Stone

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

"You had the power to leave all along - just click your heels three times, grab your coat, and sneak out without saying goodbye."

"You can tell it's a period drama because they're not wearing ozone helmets."