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"I have to ask you a few questions. I've written a screenplay. Would you read it?"

"E.T. Stay home.

"Stella, just...you know...come on, man."

Almost Everything Bagel

Worker doing impression from the end of Titanic.

'And what do you do?'

'No, Meester Bond... I expect it to cure your astigmatism'

'My only regret is that I'll never live to see the movie.'

Tenafly International Film Festival

"You need a transplant, but there are very few good parts for middle-aged women."

"It's a French film, so we don't have to shower."

Pantomime dame: 'Has anyone seen my successful TV and film career?' Audience: 'It's behind you!'

'It isn't anything like the movie.'

"Well, you can't say they didn't warn us."

Vasectomy the Movie "Cut!"

"Okay H.D. - break a leg."

"Why don't you just go and see this summer's feel-good movie?"

Computer wheeled down red carpet at film premiere. TV presenter says: 'Now, at last, here comes the real star of the movie!'

12 Angry Laptops

Nude conductor of Orchestra conducting 'The full Monte-verdi'

The apartment 5-J Film Festival.

Little Red Riding Carpet

' I think this 3D TV will take some getting used to, Dear!'

"This morning, I looked into the mirror and said to myself, 'Bruce, you're a billionaire. It's time to stop horsing around and enjoy life a little.' "

"It's time you learned the truth. You were adapted."

The movie was over. But not for Bob.

'-and where are the CAMERAS I asked for?'

'Product placement is getting so obtrusive.'

No animals were harmed in the making of this film, apart from the ones we ate.

"Were you referred to us by your doctor or publicist?"

"When we play the footage backward, it'll look like you're repairing it."

Apocalypse Now

Standard endings for sci-fi movies...

Dorothy finds the Yellow brick road is now a 6-lane expressway.

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."