Festive Family Mediator T-Shirts

"Why can't we just have a normal Thanksgiving?"

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

"His name is James Tom Dave Jon Lee Robert Glenn Joseph Tony Sam Barnes. We didn't want to hurt any relatives' feelings by not naming him after them."

"Vegetables, vegetables, vegetables, welcome to my dystopian world!"

"Wheeeeeeee!"

"This might take awhile, Lord."

"I thought we swore never to go to bed angry."

"You'll hear from my lawyer."

"Go ask your mother ... and I'll tell you why she's wrong."

'I agreed to a relationship coach, not a referee.'

Then out in the yard, there arose such a grito that I jumped to my feet like a frightened cabrito.

Richard and Wendy Kozier, of Saddle River, New Jersey, with U.N. Peacekeeping Contingent

"May I remind you that our prenuptial agreement called for me to take the plants?"

Halloween Mobile

"Someday, my dimwitted son, all this will belong to your sister."

'Whenever he feels under attack, he calls for backup.'

The Big Tree

"Just sign it, or I'll post YOUR old report cards on social media."

'I'm NOT being a tattle-tale! -- I'm being a reliable source!'

"Look, I'm not denying the validity of your grievances. I just think they'd be better addressed at home, Helen."

"He's fluent in 24 computer languages and never says a bloody word to me."

'How come I never see you in church?'

Santa in 'A Christmas Box'

"I'm sorry madam but we don't make them go missing."

"I can try, but I've never had a marriage overturned on appeal."

"You're a veteran? In which wars did you serve?"

'Objection over-ruled!'

'You deserve one another, but I don't deserve you!'

"If you're not a good boy, Santa will bring you only educational toys."

Governor of the Bank of England outfit

'Well, Helen, you were right - our marriage contract does include an option year.'

"Thanks for the super pirate ship, Mum."

'Um...Excuuuse me?! Apparently you've forgotten the household peacekeeping policy.'