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'I can turn base metal into gold, or if you prefer, a portfolio of securities, bonds and equity investments.'

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

"Stock options for your thoughts."

"Welcome to the bank - you'll start at the bottom."

Profit

Businessmen trying to prop up a line-chart with sticks

Today we'll see some misused or misunderstood financial and economic terms. It's said inflation can hurt the economy. But it's absolutely in the tire business. I bought this warm puffy jacket with cash. A down payment. We like beer and coffee. Our most valuable liquid assets. In a monopoly breakup, the race car would to go one person and the dog to another. And when I become either a buyer or a seller. He's shorting the market!

'We're under capitalized. As soon as we reach the break even point we'll buy a lemon.'

'He's so rich, when he writes a cheque the bank bounces.'

"Your wonderful daughter and I would like to become engaged in F.Y. '97, married in F.Y. '98, and if the numbers look good, start a family in F.Y. '99."

"I'm from brokers without borders. Invest in deserted island reits!"

"Son, you're old enough now for The Talk: everything you need to know about compound interest."

'Good news! Our nest egg is developing into a double yoke.'

Annual profits,

"#Win!"

'Can he call you back? He's taking time to stop and smell the profits.'

Desk plaques: 'Money isn't everything' '...Which makes it no less awesome in my opinion.'

It's okay Mom! As a broker, I'm under supervision of the SEC!

"O.K. he's a billionaire, but how much of it is in cash?"

'He's downgrading the credit agencies.'

"Okay, money doesn't make you happy. So how about commodity futures?"

'And finally, there is the universal solution.'

World Economic Crisis.

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

'A representative from Merrill Lynch to see you.'

'When investment bankers give parental advice'

"I've finally found a therapist who understands options."

'So, gentlemen, how's the dollar trading against the immortal soul, today?'

Three businessmen using a pulley system to change a graph

Fish and color

The bad news is our boxer shorts are still bursting into flames. The good news is our brand recognition is through the roof

'Let's try this church. They welcome all denominations!'

"For details on the bear market, here's a bear..."

"Now I'll demonstrate how, with a minimum of capital investment, you can make a mountain out of a molehill!"

"Ed and Helen's portfolio rose 3 point today on Dave's purchase of 100 shares..."