Fantastical Backstories T-Shirts

"He was orphaned at an early age and raised by two giant moths."

Dog Nightmares

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"We don't care about his nose. We won't let him play because he's not vaccinated and won't wear a mask!"

'Yeah, I know your idea of heaven is to play golf all day, but all we have is shuffleboard!'

I just made up that part. It should really throw people for a loop if they find this place thousands of years from now!

Dr. Reynolds unsuccessfully combines night story time with EHR pajama time.

"I know, boy—I miss the smoked salmon at Zabar's, too."

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

"How unprofessional. There's no brochure on the services and facilities I can expect in here."

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

Building a gingerbread house

'But I'm not tired yet!!!'

"Please, Daddy, just one more conspiracy theory."

"A tornado? Uh, yeah...that's exactly what happened, Mom, a tornado did hit my room!"

Dreams

'Okay, one more blog about the meaning of 'Alice in Wonderland' and then off to sleep.'

"The Three Wise Men followed a star...wasn't their GPS working?"

Pay attention Mom. You're making the wolf and three little pigs sound the same.

Man using light to shield his eyes.

Ingredients: me

"Do I read better than Mommy?"

Catch of the day.

The little old lady who lived in a shoe looks into a mobile home.

"When we left off last night, we were on page 15 of the National Intelligence Estimate. "

"And then all the kibble fell overboard and nothing was left but kale..."

"And the tattered ghost of Ayn Rand gobbled up everything on Earth and fluttered home to roost in eternal darkness."

'Some moms don't realize that shoes have a mind of their own.'

"Tell me again, how when I was born, how you passed out and the doctors left Mommy alone to revive you."

"Do you accept these terms and conditions?"

'Grab the wand! Grab the wand!'

"Please turn now to 'Judy's mirror' in your copy of 'Pat the Bunny.' "

Flower Arranging Service

'...and they all went into the witness protection plan and lived happily ever after.'

'I'm pretty sleepy tonight, Dad - could we just skip ahead to the chase scene?'