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The Adventures Of Normalman

Horror movies

'It's called 'cause and effect.' I pound this log and Tarzan goes bananas.'

Raised by Dogs

"Them's cat-fightin' words, Arlin!"

"Sorry, the sound of your chewing sends me into a rage."

Alien embryo growing in earth.

'Hon, I'm home!'

A Crash-test Dummy child about to have a ride on a car crash test ride in a shopping centre mall.

"Yeah, the Jekyll and Hyde thing is weird, but if I play it right, I get fed twice."

'Adam, you left the toilet rock up again!'

'NO, it DOESN'T come on DISC!'

"Honestly, I thought you were a metaphor."

'I forgot to cancel the milk!'

'Under blood type, sir, could you be a little more specific than blue?'

'Let's get a kitty.'

'Wheee!!' (Penguin using Walrus as a trampoline)

"My homework? It was super easy today. I drew a dragon and daddy did Math."

Giant Headless Horseman

"From where I'm sitting, ha-ha, you're behind bars!"

"It covers up all the debt."

"It's your turn to change him."

"Due to budget cuts, I will be your Ghost of Christmas Past, Present and Future."

Clairvoyant - I want to divorce my husband. He's having an affair next week.

Fake News for Fake People

"Of course homeworking has lots of advantages."

"You know darn well my maiden name wasn't Rex. Why do you ask?"

Self raising Lazarus.

"I finished my act. Could you come over and give me a hand?"

"Mom said we're old enough to take care of you, so this is our new chain of command!"

"We always get a good pitch at the site."

'When I said, throw him out, I didn't mean it literally.'

Due to higher-than-usual caller volume, your wait-time is nine minutes. That's over an hour in wolverine minutes.

Ask Sadie. I am getting divorced and I moved to Vegas. Do you think that's a smart move? - Jim. *Actual reader letter. Jim, this is a great question. One I get all the time. You do? Really? Oh yes, people are always asking me for my advice after they've already done something. You're about to yell. What do you need me for if you've already moved, you !@#$ dillweed? She gives that answer all the time.

'If you dislike the term divorce that much, then just think of it as downsizing the time you spend together.'