Family Unity Seeker Pillows

'We really should spend more time with the kids. Is there a 'quality time' app...?'

'Dad! Dad! Dad!!. . . We lost our signal.'

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

"You're adopted."

Separation Anxiety

"Relax, grandpa. The quarterback is taking a knee to run out the clock."

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'It's so incredible, getting to discover the little bundle of magic hidden inside.'

'Other than no dognip or an indoor bathroom, I enjoy being a dog.'

"I love spending time together as a family. It brings us together. It makes us stronger. It helps us understand each other."

Magic Carpet Cleaning

"Everybody in the whole damn household is alpha."

'4 Jello desserts - and, for the love of God, please make them all the same color.'

"This family who came with the frame made it clear they want no contact with me."

"Oh, great. ... My Aunt Donna is now on Facebook!"

'You couldn't just lock him up somewhere, could you?'

"I could never please my father. Whenever I did something he didn't approve of, he'd threaten to go public."

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

Musical washing

Woman is on computer searching a website for lost socks.

"I've decided to move back in with my parents."

'You told me to put away the groceries.'

"Who'd want to Retire...what would you do with your time?...Apart from spend time with your kids...see all those places you always promised you would...be the person you want to be...have a life!"

"I'm not allowed to come out and play. I was being good, but I relapsed."

'No, this isn't my son, the doctor. This is my other son, the one who didn't make much of himself.'

"In my opinion, nothing promotes family harmony like caller I.D."

"Nobody 'heads up' this family - we work democratically."

Family welcoming in an adopted child.

"Dismantle the man cave and put the cushions back. . . my parents are here."

"Hang in there, kids this family sticks together."

"Go to work, I'll find out why Mom is agitated."

The Big Book of Parent-Child Fights

"Oh, there's your problem—twenty years of resentment at having to do the dishes."

Following an especially difficult divorce.

'If my 'Honey-Do' list annoys you, wait till you see my 'Honey-Don't.'