Family Traits Humorist Gifts

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

"Great job of acting! You really appeared excited about Aunt May's 'famous' green bean casserole."

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

"How many times have I told you kids to hang your coats in the closet?"

"Okay, you scared the babysitter...now get back in there and rinse off that toothpaste, and go to bed!"

"The couch hates me Jane!"

'I have a limited vocabulary because I'm a child, what's your excuse?'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

'Another balloon animal? And who do you think ends up taking care of these?'

"Why do small children ask so many questions?" "Why not? We need to learn, don’t we? Anyway it’s no big deal is it? Isn’t that what parents are for? You were probably the same, weren’t you? So why complain?"

Baby, baby maker

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

"No thanks, mom. I don't think I'll have any broccoli short cake."

"I can skip my bath. On the way home I jumped in all the puddles."

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"Tell Mr. Yeltsin I'd be delighted. Minister of what?"

Judge, jury and executioner.

God bless our home equity line of credit.

'Mummy, why did you teach me to walk?'

"Every time I tie my shoes, the laces come undone...I think it's a conspiracy!"

'Hey Dad, Mom's got a new hobby...still life painting...er, Dad?'

"You're good mum. But, Billy's mum is a better cook than you. She only knows how to make chocolate cake."

"He's the one family member who doesn't care if I post hundreds of photos of him online."

'Is that IT? All this way for just the ONE?'