Family Traits Humorist Gifts

'I swear I've never had any plastic surgery, I'm naturally this ugly...Heck, my whole family is!'

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"Great job of acting! You really appeared excited about Aunt May's 'famous' green bean casserole."

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

"The couch hates me Jane!"

"Okay, you scared the babysitter...now get back in there and rinse off that toothpaste, and go to bed!"

'I have a limited vocabulary because I'm a child, what's your excuse?'

"You can't make me eat Brussel sprouts Mum: it's illegal to force-feed geese in this country!"

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

'Another balloon animal? And who do you think ends up taking care of these?'

"No thanks, mom. I don't think I'll have any broccoli short cake."

Baby, baby maker

"Why do small children ask so many questions?" "Why not? We need to learn, don’t we? Anyway it’s no big deal is it? Isn’t that what parents are for? You were probably the same, weren’t you? So why complain?"

"I can skip my bath. On the way home I jumped in all the puddles."

'Mummy, why did you teach me to walk?'

Judge, jury and executioner.

"Every time I tie my shoes, the laces come undone...I think it's a conspiracy!"

God bless our home equity line of credit.

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"Tell Mr. Yeltsin I'd be delighted. Minister of what?"

'Is that IT? All this way for just the ONE?'

"They're clean Mum, I washed them yesterday."

'Honey, I'm Rome!'

"He's the one family member who doesn't care if I post hundreds of photos of him online."