Family Tradition Humorist Gifts

'I don't see why you can't spray your territory the same way your father did and his father before him did.'

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

"Studies show that children of immigrants are more likely to to take advanced math and science courses and more likely to take advanced placement tests in preparation for college."

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Facts of life - The birds and the dogs.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'He has your nose and my ears.'

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

"Look what I found. Can we keep him?" "Wow! A real pirate!!" "Go ask your mother."

'You're going to have your future cut out for you, reading bedtime stories.'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

"I don't know, kids. I've been a stay-at-home dad for so long it just sort of... happened."

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

"I haven't started playing the violin. I hide my vegetables in here!"

"Whose turn is it to lick the knife?"

'Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!'

'Stop cracking and hulling his seeds. He's accustomed to working for his food.'

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

Graph Your Relatives!

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

"You're 5 years old now, Timmy. It's about time you retain an attorney."

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

'Fancy us all being afraid of wasps when there's a WHOLE nest of 'em in my drinks cabinet!'

"He is throwing another of his 'hissy fits' again!"

'Look, Dad, I made a pair of boots out of your chest waders.'

'It's no problem, Mom. Samantha just likes to check on my table manners.'

Growth Charts

"How many times have I told you kids to hang your coats in the closet?"

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

"Dad's barbeucuing again so Mom's got the pizza place on speed dial."

"Hello? Guys? Okay, I've had a long day and I'm very tired, so no pranks this time. I'm serious... guys?!"