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"Actually, no, Sue—four is not a great age."

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

Suffering from Cooties?

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

"I don't know if I can do 'Gilmore Girls' today. I'm not sure I'm feeling up for anything involving witty yet poignant repartee."

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

My 5-year-old nephew cut his hair! His mom was so upset until she thought: 'Wait a minute! I just saved 12 bucks!'

'Since we're being so honest, perhaps I should mention that I liked you better as an egg.'

"After I fix your laptop, can I have a bedtime story?"

"Good work Tim, you snatch it all: none of this sharing with your brother nonsense..."

'Why is it taking so long to eat your soup?'

"Good news. It wasn't a toxic chemical leak. It was an old pizza in your kid's room."

"I told my mom either the sitter goes, or I go!"

"We're going to pay for your obedience school but after that you're on your own."

'I'm going to bed...whatever...'

"Remember this about new babysitters - making rules and enforcing them are two different things.".

"Okay, just one story. Once upon a time, there was a naughty little boy who wouldn't go to sleep."

'We can't move in with my parents - they've moved in with grandma!'

'Jimmie, run and tell your dad the tractor is flooded.'

"Young man, you go march your butt right back up those stairs and don't come down until you've made yourself look presentable!"

'I want you to bring me one.'

"Mom, when the baby's born, can I have the bubble wrap it's shipped in?"

'Honey, the babysitter's here.'

"I'm afraid Dad did not leave us anything of value in his will, but his last wish is for us to continue the feud with the neighbour's cat...

'I take a cold shower every morning... right after my daughters have taken hot ones.'

"Take it easy, honey. Beneath that terrifying rage is our twelve-year-old daughter. My GOD, when will the wi-fi go back on?!!"

Spider boy

'Our computer responds to voice commands, but our kids don't.'

'Mom, was Dad your number one draft choice?'

'How long did you try before calling?'

"I see you attending a family reunion, where things get quite heated."