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"Actually, no, Sue—four is not a great age."

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

'Why can't we trade him to that lady for her two little girls?'

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

"I don't know if I can do 'Gilmore Girls' today. I'm not sure I'm feeling up for anything involving witty yet poignant repartee."

Suffering from Cooties?

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

My 5-year-old nephew cut his hair! His mom was so upset until she thought: 'Wait a minute! I just saved 12 bucks!'

"Good work Tim, you snatch it all: none of this sharing with your brother nonsense..."

'Why is it taking so long to eat your soup?'

'Since we're being so honest, perhaps I should mention that I liked you better as an egg.'

"After I fix your laptop, can I have a bedtime story?"

"Good news. It wasn't a toxic chemical leak. It was an old pizza in your kid's room."

"I'll bet you're very proud of your handsome, well-behaved little sporks here."

"We're going to pay for your obedience school but after that you're on your own."

"I told my mom either the sitter goes, or I go!"

'Honey, the babysitter's here.'

"Remember this about new babysitters - making rules and enforcing them are two different things.".

"Mom, when the baby's born, can I have the bubble wrap it's shipped in?"

'I want you to bring me one.'

"Young man, you go march your butt right back up those stairs and don't come down until you've made yourself look presentable!"

"Okay, just one story. Once upon a time, there was a naughty little boy who wouldn't go to sleep."

'Jimmie, run and tell your dad the tractor is flooded.'

"I'm afraid Dad did not leave us anything of value in his will, but his last wish is for us to continue the feud with the neighbour's cat...

'I'm going to bed...whatever...'

'We can't move in with my parents - they've moved in with grandma!'

'I take a cold shower every morning... right after my daughters have taken hot ones.'

'Our computer responds to voice commands, but our kids don't.'

Spider boy

"Take it easy, honey. Beneath that terrifying rage is our twelve-year-old daughter. My GOD, when will the wi-fi go back on?!!"

'Yes, I'm proud to say all my kids went into boot camp as soon as they left home.'

"My homework? It was super easy today. I drew a dragon and daddy did Math."

'How long did you try before calling?'