Family Occasion Skeptic Gifts

"We're going to see my family. There's an extra twenty in it for you if we never get there."

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

"Thanks to my wedding planner, everyone in the wedding is still talking to each other."

Christmas Tree

#Thanksgiving #Nofilter

Wedding Day Itinerary.

"I'm afraid the challah got a little burnt this week."

"I ask that today is a good day...a day that brings family together...to show how we need one another."

Barbecued dessert, anyone? The coals are PERFECT now!

"Tia Carmen's not happy unless she can send people away with a plate of leftovers for the road."

"Truth is relative at these reunions. It depends on which relative you talk to."

celebrating a birth.

"I don't believe in you!"

"Here's the baby's first birthday, her second, her third, look at her gifts..."

Newton had actually discovered gravity at a family dinner in his early childhood.

'We haven't had a family get-together like this since we were kids - Hey! Where are mum and dad?'

"Great job of acting! You really appeared excited about Aunt May's 'famous' green bean casserole."

'But, Mom. Think of all the leftovers he can thankfully eliminate.'

Children's Party

Any idea how long your family might be visiting?

Paul goes home for the holidays

"At least this year she got rid of the seat belts."

"What time did you say you wanted me to start drinking?"

"Before we begin, I'd like to say that in thirty years as an attorney, I've never encountered a more interesting departure from the standard last will and testament."

'Hey, Grandma! Watch how long I can hold my breath underwater!'

"It is now that moment when a close family member tries to speak of the deceased without choking up."

"Tell us the one about swift justice, Grandpa."

'I hate all holidays!'

A family trying to make a child smile for a photo

Open House of Horrors

"Over millions of years, carbon turns to diamond. Yet it took dad plus his grill mere minutes to turn last night's marinated chicken into that carbon."

'I'm thankful you didn't make turnips.'

'Hurry up you guys! I'm about to serve dinner!'

"This one is perfect for Thanksgiving. It comes prestained in cranberry sauce, gravy and pumpkin pie."