Family Maniac T-Shirts

"I've just heard that Master's grandchildren are staying with us over the school holidays!"

"I built this tree house for my kids. But it's so private, I've decided to use it as my home office."

Showbiz Awards

'Hi hon! How's the little monster?'

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

The Family Joules: Part 16

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

"Have mercy on me, Mama. Have mercy on Mr. Pitiful."

"I need to know who started it."

"Darling... I think the Baby's been eating the fridge magnets again."

Family with pets.

E-vac-u-ate! E-vac-u-ate! . . . I've just farted. . ."

Brad Pitt

'She posted her first blog today.'

'So one day I thought, I'll teach you brats to laugh at me!'

"If I knew when this was going to end, it wouldn't be so stressful."

"I couldn't possibly lick another baby right now."

'Hey, Mom, here comes Frankie's tailor!'

'Dad won't buy me a puppy, so I'm teaching him to bark!'

"I fell in the mud again. Maybe I need a stunt double."

'Actually, they're pretty nice, once they settle down.'

"I'm tired of this full-time job. I want a part-time job."

"I figure we can blue-screen the kids in later."

"Daddy and his boss still like each other. They just don't want to work together anymore."

"Don't make me turn this covered wagon around!"

"Hang on - I'm not as young as I used to be. . .!"

'No, I've never been in a TV reality show. My reality is pretty well scripted by my wife, kids and boss.'

Oblivious at 20,000 Feet

'Let's get this party started!'

'Dad, you are wasting your life. Stay home and play with me.'

Love Hurts

2001: A Space Odyssey - Updated

'My sales training was right. The person in the highest chair is dominant.'

Baby Carriers

'My daughter made me a decoy for Father's Day. It would break her heart if I didn't use it.'