Family Maniac Mugs

"I've just heard that Master's grandchildren are staying with us over the school holidays!"

"I built this tree house for my kids. But it's so private, I've decided to use it as my home office."

Showbiz Awards

'Hi hon! How's the little monster?'

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

"Darling... I think the Baby's been eating the fridge magnets again."

Family with pets.

"I need to know who started it."

"Have mercy on me, Mama. Have mercy on Mr. Pitiful."

'She posted her first blog today.'

'So one day I thought, I'll teach you brats to laugh at me!'

"If I knew when this was going to end, it wouldn't be so stressful."

"I couldn't possibly lick another baby right now."

"I fell in the mud again. Maybe I need a stunt double."

'Dad won't buy me a puppy, so I'm teaching him to bark!'

'Hey, Mom, here comes Frankie's tailor!'

"I'm tired of this full-time job. I want a part-time job."

'Actually, they're pretty nice, once they settle down.'

'No, I've never been in a TV reality show. My reality is pretty well scripted by my wife, kids and boss.'

"Don't make me turn this covered wagon around!"

"Daddy and his boss still like each other. They just don't want to work together anymore."

Oblivious at 20,000 Feet

"Hang on - I'm not as young as I used to be. . .!"

"I figure we can blue-screen the kids in later."

'Let's get this party started!'

2001: A Space Odyssey - Updated

Love Hurts

'My daughter made me a decoy for Father's Day. It would break her heart if I didn't use it.'

Baby Carriers

'My sales training was right. The person in the highest chair is dominant.'

'Dad, you are wasting your life. Stay home and play with me.'

'How many kids do you actually have?'