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"Apparently there aren't two sides to every argument."

"Please understand, the Queen has thousands of kids. It's not practical to expect her to kiss you all goodnight every night..."

"I spilled a red dot of paint, so I painted the whole room so you wouldn't notice it."

'Well, now that I know he's the owner's son, yes, he's the best damned wine steward I've ever seen.'

'Hi, Doc! I don't think I'm going to need you after all....'

'Another expectant father looking forward to paternity leave.'

'That reminds me, the seat broke on mine. I must make time to get it repaired.'

At the market

"Well, that one got away."

Bill and Lester have a 'Hay Day'.

'Everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other.'

"It's my home grown quail call. Quail don't come when I blow it, but cows sure do."

'With these alternative fertility treatments you never quite know how things turn out,'

'Ya gotta love the way this farmer gets into Halloween spirit.'

Picks your own strawberries....Strangle your own turkeys

"I'm so good at this!"

Golfer mistakes a hen's egg for his golf ball.

'He's fine, it's only man flu not swine flu.'

"No monsters, but there's a tear in the carpeting and I see hardwood!"

"Use your inside scream."

"I couldn't find the phone charger, but I was able to locate all the mouses the kids lost over the years."

The pig that had a glimpse of the afterlife.

'Hi Dad. I want you to meet Mr. Hacketal, my attorney.'

"It's bold! It's moving! It's inspired! But what is it?"

'What about you...you've been living here thirty years too?'

Viking sitting patiently while his wife winds her wool on his helmets horns to sort it out.

"And remember, it's important to wake them up at hourly intervals."

'We call these supernumerary teats!'

'Do I really have to remind you again about which one of us earns the truffles, Jean-Claude?'

'No, that's not my shaving lotion. We've been burning cow chips in the wood stove.'

1,572 Performances.

Cow Cong vs Toilet Rolls.

'If your boss is so dumb, daddy, why did he hire you?'

'Hang on a minute...'

George Washington's sister was always getting him into trouble.