Family History Pillows

'I'm only interested in locating wealthy relatives.'

Jimmy, Sixth-Generation Pain in the Ass.

'Heck, this is nothing, why when I was a kid, we'd have snow clear up to here.'

'I think you'll be interested in the next patient. He's ninety two years old and accompanied by his parents.'

'I'm trying to prove we're not related to the kids.'

'Dad, have you ever thought about researching our family tree?'

"And here I am at two years of age. Remember? Mom? Pop? No? Or how about this one. My first day of school. Anyone?"

"Paying for a DNA test will be worth it if I find better relatives."

'Here is my report card. For reference here is your report card, I found in the attic, when you were in the same grade.'

'I warned you, Oedipus, not everybody likes what they find when tracing their family tree.'

"My mom was a Holstein-Friesian, and my dad was the King of Diamonds."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Your old Jewish mother with some pickled herring, sir. To remind you of your roots,"

"We don't need to go that far into your background."

"Hey, look, grampa was a flip phone!"

The dna double helix, with a human family taking the place of the dna rungs.

'I traced your genealogy. Better have a seat.'

"Let's see now...genealogy books...genealogy books..."

"Actually, Tommy, we're just about full-blooded management, except for your grandfather on your mom's side, who was one-quarter labor."

'I'm tracing my relatives.'

"Grandpa, what was it like living off the grid for most of your life?"

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

'They're not out of focus. They're just fuzzy memories.'

Billy listened spell-bound as his grandfather told him magical tales about the adventures of his ancestors.

'You kids have it easy. In my day we didn't have glue sticks. We had to eat paste right out of the jar!'

Family Money - "I've been working on your family tree!"

'I really like these black and white pictures, Gramps. Did you Photoshop them?'

"This must be Grandma's facebook page!"

Bob spent years tracking down his birth parents only to discover the awful truth. They lied. He had never been adopted.

'...and someday this will all be yours, Son.'

Send us $2.00, and we'll send you Your Family Tree

Truth is, back when the 'good old days' were new, we didn't like 'em very much.

'Try searching Criminal Records for your father's family history.'

Pre-Ancestry.com

'Find the rotter wot nicked our Christmas tree!'