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'Male, 38, still living with his parents. They asked us to keep him overnight, so they could change the locks.'

'If you want me to be a good boy, you're going to have to lower your standards.'

"Instead of calling me Grandpa, why don't you just call me Herb?"

'Great news! Your father's got a job.'

The Family Joules: Part 8

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

I like the Jets...I guess

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"Whoa. Someone needs their diaper changed."

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

"I thought it would be nice if we had a forum where we could get together and have screaming tantrums."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"Look at their faces! What did they expect? They never visited her! Of course the will says her money goes to the cat shelter. . ."

Lady asking her fiance's son if she can be his new mother.

A child as a pet substitute.

"Nothing else in my room can spin on the floor like a bottle."

'Hi, I'm Bob and I'll be your waiter ... and this is my wife, Susan, and her two children from a former marriage, Jimmy and Cindy.'

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

'We're playing I'm a mummy with lots of different daddies!'

"Could you please downgrade this to a C? High expectations bring out the worst in my parents."

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'So, you're an organ-grinder's monkey? A professional beggar? Is that how you intend to support my daughter?'

'No hair or teeth, can't walk or talk - it's hard to believe we're related.'

'I'm very confused. I never had a father. I was raised by two mummies.'

"Ours will be the first mixed marriage in my family. Dog people NEVER marry cat people."

'It's funny really - when your father's home he hardly ever says a word!'

"All I ask is a chance to ruin my life in my own way."

"Do let me know if I'm getting in the way, won't you?"

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

"I'm afraid these grades aren't giving me a very satisfying vicarious life."

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

"Oh, you silly girl, you! Don't tell me you brought home another husband."