Family Counselor Pillows

'Parenting skills don't come naturally. You learn from the experience of screwing up your kids just like your parents did.'

'I'm being a good boy for the sake their marriage.'

"How many times have I told you kids to hang your coats in the closet?"

"No, we don't seek family counselling, doctor.We're just a multiple personality got out of hand!"

Interpreters.

Warring parents

"We've sorted out the house and the money but we can't agree over who has to keep the kids."

"Yep, paid through the nose."

"Yes, but that does not constitute 'irreconcilable differences'."

"My wife tells me the bee has struck again!"

'Hello?...Yes, you're through to the fertility help line.'

Attorney at law - Why Put Up With A Rotten Childhood? Divorce Your Parents Now!

"What do I think is an appropriate punishment? I think an appropriate punishment would be to make me live with my guilt."

'What d'you mean I've won custody of the children - what children?'

'Access to the kids? No. I want access to the computer equipment.'

Uncooperative Teen

"So was the old lady who lived in a shoe taken to court for whipping her kids."

T"ruly, Susan, I envy no man."

"...failing is ok."

Weekday Morning Hell Bingo

'Progress of a bookshelf'

"No, no - it was great. It's just that sometime I'd like to try it missionary style."

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"You've changed."

Relationship Warning Lights

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"Will you listen to the same three anecdotes until one of you dies?"

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

"When I ask questions, I expect answers!"