Family Chaos Wrangler Pillows

"I don't understand people who say children should be seen and not heard. Why would anyone want to hear them?"

"When they say to use protection... this is what you're protecting against."

"Can you imagine what it would have been like if I hadn't faked headaches?"

Teenage tantrum shelter.

"There's smart phones and smart cars, so why can't there be smart rooms that clean themselves?"

'Hi hon! How's the little monster?'

The Family Joules: Part 16

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

"Have mercy on me, Mama. Have mercy on Mr. Pitiful."

"Darling... I think the Baby's been eating the fridge magnets again."

"I need to know who started it."

Teaching a Sunday school class didn't end the way John imagined.

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

"I couldn't possibly lick another baby right now."

'Shall we turn the extractor fan down a bit...?'

'How do you know I won't shrink if I didn't come with a washing instructions tag?'

"Bogeyman under your bed? Oh, no, sweetie, there's no room under there… unlike your closet."

'Dad won't buy me a puppy, so I'm teaching him to bark!'

'Hey, Mom, here comes Frankie's tailor!'

"I fell in the mud again. Maybe I need a stunt double."

'It may not be your feng shui, but it's my feng shui.'

"I figure we can blue-screen the kids in later."

"No, I wasn't in a car accident. As a new parent, I'm still trying not to trip on all the toys on the floor."

"Bye now... it's always nice to see you and little Tommy!"

"'Parent' should always be an action verb."

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

Couple with lots of kids. Woman says: 'This is our daughter, my son from my first marriage, John's daughter from his second marriage, and I've no idea who the one on the end is.'

'It's OK to take your work home with you. It's not OK to bring your home to work with you.'

'My sales training was right. The person in the highest chair is dominant.'

Parental Training Course

"Today is the day I start the new me!"

"Sergio, I think you've done a great job raising the children."

You can't focus on the cost of raising a child. True. They do have benefits. Mom! The glue spilled into your underwear drawer! Dad! Where's the toilet plunger? Though nothing specific leaps to mind.

'How many kids do you actually have?'

"Ya, that's right. Blame the help."