Fairy Tale Revisionist Pillows

'Um, guitar. What kind of hero were you looking for?'

"Bram Stoker's Bambi"

Updated Fairy Tales. Having all of them around sure sweetened my stimulus check!

Once upon a time and a half. Buick and the Beast.

"If she thinks I'm just gonna come running on home, wagging my tail behind me..."

"You're telling me I should leave the artists' commune that saved me from my stepmother's tyrannical elitism, where I have seven boyfriends, to become the impotent figurehead of another unjust power structure?"

'The bailouts worked, the stock market shot up to 15,000 and everyone was relieved.'

"Skip to the part where the princess climbs to the top of the corporate ladder."

Hansel meets his biological mother.

'...'Throw down my hair'? In this condition?'

"This isn't how the story went at all."

'If you're alone in here, who just said 'Ribbit'?'

"Wait … where’s Chicken Little? And who is ‘Kim Jong Un’?"

Angular monster attempting to lure Norm into his maw with tongue shaped like a sexy woman.

"My client would like to plead 'not guilty' to all three charges of damage to private property."

This wasn't quite the fairytale ending Colin had anticipated.

'I have scarcely closed my eyes, sire! Heaven know what's in this bed!'

Male Mid-Life Myth--The Hair Fairy

"What if the dish and the spoon run away together?" "Not bad, Doug, not bad at all." "And a crockpot tries to lure the dish away with cash and loads of jewels!" "Come on, Rita! That's been done to death. Too derivative."

'Come on, dad...why would anyone follow a witch into a gingerbread house? It clearly wasn't built to code.'

Fairy Tale Gone Wrong

' You shouldn't believe everything you read in the fairy stories.'

'Did she marry the prince for love for for money?'

"I huffed and I puffed and I blew their house down, and now my head's hot and I ache all over."

"I like 'Cinderella' - it's just that I feel the characters of the stepsisters are underwritten."

'Forty years is as much 'Happily Ever After' as I can tolerate.'

"I appreciate your offer, but I was really hoping to marry a doctor."

'Why is it that there are so many bedtime stories about stupid princes and princesses, but no cool ones about zombies and chainsaws?'

Hansel and Gretel, now microwavable.

Tooth Fairy Command Center. How do you like being on the San Diego beat?

"I'll come back when you ditch the eighties-hair, Rapunzel.

'I don't care if I have been here for a hundred years! What kind of pervert kisses a girl while she's sleeping?!'

'Yes, Cinders, you SHALL go to the Ball!'

If it were today. . .

'Typical media bias. First they label the wolf 'the big BAD wolf' then they only give Little Red Riding Hood's point of view.'