Facts Gifts

The Month of December

I'm sorry, sir, but the fact-checkers convention isn't until next week. Hotel.

Useless information desk at trivia buff convention

'Listen to this: Each drop of water we drink may have once been in a glacier, Attila the Hun's stew, Mike Tyson's sweat, Liberace's bathwater, drool from a...'

Funky Facts: Elephants.

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

Adult Courses. It's so hard keeping the information from different classes separate! I'm talking film history and psychology. I failed a test because I said a "psychopath" is the walkway Norman Bates took home. I also confused geography and aeronautics. I said the "great plains" are located at an Air Force testing base in the California desert. My worst nightmare was confusing the thinks ti learned in driver's education and statistics. But at least I now know it's driving where you must st

"The data looks good, sir, but the vibes are mucho heavioso."

Fear/Knowledge

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

"Right about here there was a flattening of the curve. . ."

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'This is my partner. He'll be taking care of the small print.'

"Meet the embellisher 3-5 pm"

'How can we believe anything when we can disprove everything?'

'Now, keep in mind that these numbers are only as accurate as the fictitious data, ludicrous assumptions and wishful thinking they're based upon!'

'Pick a contract...any contract!'

"If i were to kiss you then there is a 17% probability that we might get married and that has a 24% likelihood that we'd have children with a 34% change of divorce...I'm not sure I can risk it."

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

'I've been called some mean things as a baby boomer, but 'Pig in the Python' really hurts.'

Before the Internet

"Peterson proposes we move out of the mountains."

'Kroft, Kroft, Kroft...to thine own demographic be true!'

"If x is the set of all men that love you, then I am a member of x."

"Right, before we look at the covid figures for today, do we need another sheet of paper?"

'As my solicitor I think you could have negotiated that better.'

Funky Facts: Football.

"Your assumption that a one in a million chance event MUST be a miracle shows you drastically underestimate the total number of regularly occurring events."

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

"We-your agents, successors, licensees, and assigns--would like to share a few thoughts with you."

"Good invisible exports figures this quarter, sir."

"Let's break the record for non-stop deranged barking."

"Let's get married, Miss Harris, and have 2.8 children!"

'There are lies, damn lies, and statistics. We're looking for someone who can make all three of these work for us.'