Face-off Fanatic Pillows

"I would say your stickhandling needs a little work."

'Could you wait until I drop the puck next time?'

'Upgrades? Yes, we've programmed it to excrete a few drops of water if it should lose a chess match. You know - tears.'

Mayo-A-Mayo

People leave joke shop with false moustache, nose and glasses marketed as 'the Robert Winston'.

"You can get good cards but still have terrible luck."

Street painter puts real face on man with happy face.

"Apricot pit?! Are you kidding, Mister? This stuff knocks raw avocado and almond nut outta the water!!!"

Rugby Mad.

"Hey Ref - any chance you can get those buzzards to quit circling over my fighter?"

L.A.: Still No Pro Football

Lion v Kiwi.

"@#!!!%$ the critics!! Give me Bobby $#@!! Flay!!"

Undisputed Heavyweight Champion of the Wood

'They sat in an etape, playing bezique and swilling skookum saloop.'

It's not that I cheat or read faces: I'm good at poker because I can smell fear...

"Dang! This guy's good!"

Standup Dictator

'Sorry, I knocked him out when I threw in the towel.'

English supporters - Sometimes, the Germans may misunderstand you!

'This is my trophy wife...I won her in a bowling tournament.'

And in the red corner with a record of 0 wins, 42 losses, it's Eddie 'Can't fight his way out of a wet paper bag' Turner.

UFC on steroids...

'I'll raise you, Lazarus . . . '

Rocko the Boxer

'The thing I liked best about being an amateur is that the other guy was an amateur too!'

National Fat Man Thong Competition

David Beckham

Cyril Fletcher

Alright, Hutchins - This 'toon ain't big enough for the both of us!

'Apparently it has anti-cheating software installed.'

While You Were Out Cold

"When did they start wearing muzzles?"

Putting in some Facetime

'Then I hit him with my three-legged punch. . .I hit him with my stool.'