F1 Fanatic Pillows

Pit crew fix a tire swing

'Why did he cut the chicane - the giant spider isn't on the track, he's on our screen.'

'I had to shoot him, he was cheering for Vettel throughout the whole race.'

'They must practice their pit stops for hours to get it as badly wrong as that.'

The word gets out trains are using F1 technology to improve reliability.

'Looks like Ed Miliband's attempt to stop the race failed.'

"Ya know, 'DUH' can be a very hurtful word."

'But I digress...'

"Google car."

'So...you THINK you have what it takes to be a scientist...?'

"I need to tinkle."

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

'Originally he was the mascot until we discovered he had a golden foot.'

"Do you do temporary ones that last about two weeks?"

If nobody had invented graphics

'Frank built it himself. The last football will fall through the hourglass 10 seconds before the Super Bowl starts.'

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

'I trust these equations settle the argument, Professor Lang. It's your round.'

"I'm not using my jumper as a goalpost, sir, I'm using it as a jumper."

Raheem Sterling

'Yes, Jenny, I know I'm always reminding the team to be good sports, but you really don't have to thank the ref after every call.'

'At least now the injury worries are over, we can concentrate on slagging off the team.'

Football

'Now that's the Group of Death.'

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

Big screen TV.

'And at what stage did you realise the ball you were heading was on the TV?'

Bob's Driving School.

'Simply put.'

'I know! It's what I had last night for dinner.'

GPC needs to make its new formula foolproof.

'Let's throw ball. Running game not working.'

This is a great game --- All except for that blimp. It keeps reminding me I've already broken my diet resolution. Pizza. Chips.

Kenny Dalglish