Extended Family Member Pillows

'They're a very close family.'

Never say you don't know how to salsa...unless you have two hours to kill.

"I know you and Magdalena don't get along too well...but it's great when she visits. She's so giving!"

"Cousin Magdalena likes pushing Tia Carmen's buttons, doesn't she?"

"Baldo, this is your second cousin Magdalena."

"Do you have a card for the second step mother of my third wife's brother on her cousins side?"

"We found the poor thing stranded on the beach last summer and decided to adopt it."

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

Knock on the door - dog stands up and shouts 'Beat it!'

"I think the most rewarding part of caring for elderly parents is when they call you because they don't want to bother the 9-1-1 people."

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

Licensed Therapist

'What the... MOM! This isn't deer! It's a yucky tourist again!!'

"Any idea how long your family might be visiting?"

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

"I didn't spark joy."

"He's not talking yet, but sometimes we give him peanut butter to make it look like he is."

Now, let's not be hasty! They may look the same, but we are both duty bound to fetch our own master's ball...

Cardiac Recovery.

Dancing Doctor

"For heaven's sake, Ogden, it's vacation time! Must you make your little lists even on vacation time?"

'Great news, Dear! I've been traded to a think tank in California for a PhD Specializing in the Baltics!'

"Little help?"

'Whoops! I think you've arrived a little too early for school today, Dad!'

Very Difficult Conversations

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

"Your mother called to remind you to diversify."

"O young, naive one...you must know the golden rule of the kitchen. To avoid the mother of all disrespects...never criticize the cooking of a family elder."

"As the executor for your mother's estate, let me say that she loved each of you, but she also loved Las Vegas."

'And this is Allan...he's the brain in the family!'

The day the cat realized it was dependent.

"An early spring was just a prediction- I can't actually control the weather!"

Swinging

'It's nothing serious. Rest is the best cure for binge shopping.'