Etiquette Experiments T-Shirts

'Don't bother to leave a tip, I had one of your fish fingers.'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Oh no, after you. I insist!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Ladies first. Actually, it's safety first. But ladies are definitely a close second."

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

"Maybe we should have brought a Riesling."

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"Well there's no way I'm going to say 'whom'!"

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'He bowed lower for me than for you.'

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

Awkward First Dates

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

"As a rookie, I'm finding one of the hardest things to get used to is older people calling me 'sir.'"

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

Only One Item or Fewer.

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."