Eternal Errand Runner Gifts

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

He kept pretending he was going to work when he was just running errands.

'He hasn't missed a turnout in ten years!'

'Tony says he'll marry you when he gets back from his poker run. It totally slipped his mind that it was this weekend.'

"Dear, will you sprint down to the store and get a box of wheat germ and a pint of yoghurt?"

'I'm bored with the Sisyphus channel. Switch to the Tantalus channel.'

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

She realised it would be foolish to start a diet with third cousin Rodney's retirement party due in only 12 years.

"One of you boys go help Mom with the groceries."

'Always the usher, never the bride.'

"I was admitted to heaven, but they didn't have WIFI."

'Honey, I just ran into the store. Did you need me to pick anything up while I'm here?'

"Your call is very important to us. Please hold the line...for eternity!"

"This is why I hate bringing you shopping."

"Fly over to the Grand Union and bring back the produce manager's tongue."

"Wherever he is, I know he'll be upgraded."

'Dave dropped out. He had chest pains and trouble breathing. They think he may have competitive heart failure.'

"What's good here?"

"I’ve finally caught up on all the reels you’ve sent me."

"Eventually, Howard wants to dump himself in the Atlantic and serve as an artificial reef for fish."

'I'm going downtown -- can I swipe you anything?'

"It was dry cleaned when I picked it up."

Errands: the Magazine for the Errands Life Style

'A shopping list is the closest thing we have to a remote control around here.'

"I understand he's here on a business trip."

Passport to eternity

Jerome Gurkenman, top representative to the end... and beyond.

'Hurry this note to the abbot.'

"The End."

'What kind of immortality plan do you offer?'

'I'll just drive to the out of town supermarket, get some tea bags, milk and sugar, call in and see if Mother's alright, and make us a cup of tea whilst the adverts are on dear...'

The Modern World is so Full of Anxiety

"Finally, right?"

'Don't worry. I'll be back in a little bit. I have some errands to run.'

'Who's kidding?'