Espresso Fan Pillows

Sermon on the Grounds...

Kid to mom: 'Tell me again about the time you helped fortress a city, subdue hostile fire and got home and baked us all raspberry strudels.'

'MY husband made the coffee table out of an old door.'

"I'm a monster."

"You order the raspberry danish?"

Starvation Watching

'Does the gym have a motorized version of this cycle?'

Smart Arse Meter

Did you hear? Marco Polo went to China in search of herbs and spices. Wow! The first instance of thyme travel!

Control and Out of Control Group

'My battery is dead. How does it end?'

A man walking a bowling ball is about to walk into a woman walking a bunch of bowling pins

Man riding a bike frame with a cat and a dog attached to harnesses where the wheels would normally be

Humpty Dumpty to psychiatrist: 'It's like there's this thing inside me that's trying to get out.'

Woman stuck doing situps has spider web being built under arm

Good egg, bad egg.

'Well, Tom, your blood sugar is way too high!'

'Are these eggs fresh enough for you?'

Man sweating profusely while shoveling snow in his boxer shorts

"I ask the jury, who among us would not have done the same, if given ready access to a huge vat of cheese and a lives streaming social media feed?"

"My guess is that you're not the first European here.

"Was that the sensitive spot you were telling me about?"

Fitness Equipment. Home Gym. Who do people buy expensive exercise equipment? Because they don't have tails to chase.

"And this is the electronic version."

Sandy Eggo.

Plank

Pilates Creative Stretching Program.

"Why didn't Lewis and Clark just use GPS?"

"I'm not sure this outdoor teashop is such a good idea."

Something keeps shorting out my bug zapper. Maybe it's lightning bugs!

"I'm just saying we might be jumping the gun just a tiny bit on the outside seating."

'You're doing it wrong!'

Mary Raspberry

'Hmm, your luggage seems to have been booked through to India.'

"Based on those growth rings maybe that branch was only 39 years old, but there's no way the rest of her is."