Engagement Cynics Pillows

"Interesting. Have your lawyer call my lawyer."

'No, I won't marry you, Steve, but here's a participation trophy.'

"There's no such thing as 'bad publicity'." "All traffic is good traffic."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

The prying mantis,

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

'I'd like your permission to enter into pre-nuptial negotiations...'

'Are we there yet, I love surprises.'

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

'I want to finish with him, but I'll have to wait until he's made the final payment on my engagement ring.'

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

'Oh my! He finally proposed!'

It is my mother's, she uses it as an anchor for our yacht.

'Would you merge your mutual fund with mine?'

'Don't worry about the company's pension plan. The way we work you, you'll be lucky to live that long!'

"I already have the perfect hashtag!"

'I'd like you to become a smaller, lower-paid version of myself.'

'Don't worry about doing the right thing. There'll be plenty of time for that when you're fired,retired,or reincarnated.'

'The position carries no health benefits but we do give you a mantra which you can recite daily to promote good health.'

'The project isn't that important, so put some of your worst people on it.'

'I might give you the benefit of the doubt. But I doubt it.'

If all else fails, give up.

Brilliant suggestion Kimble, to get rid of all the deadwood around here - we'll miss you.

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

"We need to make some cuts. We’ll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'You're proposing to me with, cubic zirconias?... But, you're a diamond dealer!'