Cynical Strategist Pillows

"The figures for the last quarter are in. We made significant gains in the fifteen-to-twenty-six-year-old age group, but we lost our immortal souls."

'People are basically good, Henderson. We can use that against them.'

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

"I'm fighting for all small interest groups without a voice, but with plenty of money."

Targets

"We couldn't afford a real carrot as an incentive, but I found a picture of one online that we can e-mail to staff."

"Bottom line - don't forget to lie."

The Buck Stops Here - That doesn't necessarily mean I have to do anything about it.

'You don't need to fool all the people, just enough campaign donors.'

'Now that we've voted our bonuses, Reynolds will give his report on the countries which the US does not have extradition treaties.'

That's right - that 'Give me a call after I'm elected' thing was complete hooey!

'The explatory committee recommended we form an exploitation committee.'

"Get me everything on this that doesn't involve facts."

"But will it distract the public's attention enough that they mindlessly buy our products?"

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

"I don't care what, let's plot something."

'You'll like this, gang ? it's an 'eyes-only' list of 'shady-but-tolerated' loopholes allowed by the Securities and Exchange Commission.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"Delegating authority is good. Delegating blame is better."

"Hoskins, try saying 'profits are up' without the finger quotes, okay?"

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

'Let's keep in mind that although quitters never win, they often manage to avoid litigation.'

'Did you clear this through Legal first?'

Trojan Hurdler.

'Tomorrow's special is fish, so wear the flounder suit.'

"They found a use for that old paper shredder."

"You knew this was a soul-sucking job when you took it."

'The company's in great shape financially. Hey, a bent but still usable staple!'

Go slow delegating authority. First learn how to delegate blame.

'I knew this was a bad place to work when I saw that they call the company handbook 'the Owner's Manual.''

"There HAS to be a giant ball at the end of all this string."

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

'I sometimes wonder if these endless meetings accomplish anything.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."