Employer Pillows

"We were hoping that you could work from work today."

"Any questions?"

'Put this memo in an envelope marked 'Confidential'. Drop it on the floor in the hall. Make sure you do not seal the envelope. That way, we can be sure all employees will read the memo.'

"You weren't expecting a walrus, right?"

Giving feedback is a complex process.

'Your proposal is innovative. Unfortunately we won't be able to use it because we've never tried something like that before.'

"As you can see from the flow chart, the problem stems from a lack of direction."

'A mediator hasn't worked, so I brought in everyone's moms.'

"On reflection i think i could have coped with just 340' feedback."

Computer neck.

That memo you wrote on reducing office emails generated 3,000 new emails.

"I'm going to need a little more for the root cause than, who'da thunk."

"You have not shown initiative because I never asked you to?"

'I'd like you to hammer out a win-win agreement in which they lose.'

"Dislocating your jaw yawning during my lecture on work related injuries is NOT a work related injury!"

'My strength lies in my ability to deny my weaknesses.'

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

'Look, I said I'd bring you the report on micromanaging. Just give me a chance.'

'My family? Hell no, those are my clients!'

'And we are firmly opposed to any form of group think.'

'It's OK, everyone makes mistakes. Look at me. I hired you.'

'Would you mind if I made a few calls while I carefully listen to your ideas?'

'You suck.'

Conflict resolution in the workplace.

"I call it The Blame Game."

"Remember when I said I was going to be honest with you, Jeff? That was a big, fat lie."

'I'm sorry. It appears Mr. Mitchell won't be accepting any more information today.'

'We're looking for impartial people who think the way we do.'

When giving feedback, there will always be something for you to comment upon.

'I'm afraid, unless you can show proof you're employed by God, I'll have to deny this claim.'

We can offer volunteers a range of experiences including exhaustion,emotional overload,lack of support and stark terror.

"Right after me...EVERYONE PULL!"

"Take this mission statement and rewrite it so that it sounds like we care about our customers."

"In principle we're happy with the trust idea...as long as it's properly monitored and regulated!"

'What if, and I know this sounds kooky, we communicated with the employees.'