Employee Benefits Specialist Pillows

"I've written the employees' benefit manual in invisible ink"

Walk the dog.

'You get medical coverage, Harville. Now you're telling me you want a salary, too?'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"Stock options for your thoughts."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

I'm not making enough money to like you.

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'

'Yes,we have equal pay in that we are grossly underpaid, all of us.'

"I never said they were well-compensated. I just said they were paid handsomely."

"You're in luck...I've unearthed those payroll records from 3 years ago."

'We like the teamwork idea, but Billy won't let us play with his ball.'

'It's a treasure map.'

'Your employee is either guilty of 'gross misconduct' or 'gross negligence'... you can't start disciplinary procedures on the basis that he is just 'plain gross'.'

'Are you the genius who came up with the 'Alternative Payment' program?'

Labor Day '19

"The law is an ass...employment law, however, is an asset."

Human Resources Dept: Full time/part time/over time/time and a half/time out.

'Qualifications aside, Mr Thumb, this is the cutest resume I've ever seen.'

'What do you mean, 'away team'? -- You're firing me, aren't you?'

'Oh, you'll love working here. Nobody treats you any differently just becuase of your age, race, or gender.'

"Corporate thinks it's time we updated our motivational strategies."

'Rising health costs are the biggest drain on the economy, so I'll be laying off some of my patients.'

"Here's your paycheck. I hope we'll both find it amusing."

'This new 'flexible working' scheme is a great idea. . . It helps us to identify staff who have a more balanced life. People who have interests outside of the office.'

'I take it you're looking to some extra hours!'

"You're entitled to ten sick days, five personal days and four complete do-overs."

"Admit it Johnson, isn't a pat on the back more intrinsically rewarding than a salary rise?"

That's a good question, Ossie... may I call you 'Ossie', Ossie?

Efficiency Expert: Back at 3:17:03

'Nothing this week †between your pay and your deductions, you broke even.'

Bureau of Missing Persons, "He works flextime and we have direct deposit, so it took me a few months to notice he was gone."

'Thanks for not asking for a rise.'