Efficiency Consultant Pillows

"So how many extra widgets do we have to produce to pay for the surveillance system to check we're making enough widgets?"

'Why is it costing us $685.35 to process a $25 sales order?'

'Right we need an urgent response to our productivity problems...'

'Having conducted a comprehensive and lengthy review of your practice using the latest guidelines I would suggest that you could make major efficiencies by tell me to **** off and waste some other poor sods time.'

'Item 56(B), we need to schedule a series of meetings to discuss whether we should have a meeting to look at whether we're having too many meetings!'

'How's my new efficiency expert doing?'

'What can we do to reduce our spending?'

'The efficiency expert is having difficulty finding our office.'

"I told you not to hire that stupid efficiency expert!"

"And this is the traditional alternative."

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

"It saves a lot of workforce hours!"

"You have reached Efficiency Consultants. All our agents are busy now. Why aren't you?"

"We all know the caffeine drip increases efficiency, but I also think we can eliminate the bathroom break with innovative usage of bedpans!"

"So in conclusion we've decided that you need to do more stuff, but do it better. . . That'll be £439 million please."

"You have reached Efficiency Consultants. All our agents are busy now. Why aren't you?"

"While she was making breakfast I told my wife about 'time and motion' and making fewer trips to the kitchen...."

"Another example of corporate redundancy."

"I asked you for ideas on how we can streamline the workforce Penswick. I hope for your sake this isn't one of them."

"We have no choice. The efficiency study concluded that this is the most direct route to the conference room."

'After two days of intensive calculations I have figures out why your company doesn't make any profit: your expenses are too high. That'll be 4, 785,000 euros, please.'

'It took us a long time and a lot of hard work to find out how to stop your down going profits - make more sales and stop wasting money. That'll be 350.000,- Euro.'

'The government has announced further radical efficiency measures which will be implemented by 2025.'

'I'm not looking for something that will eliminate 10% of my employees. I want something that'll eliminate all of them.'

'Your job is to do wonders for productivity.'

'What exactly is a consultant?' - 'Someone who is called in at the last minute to share the blame.'

"You're fired, but don't worry. We're hiring you back as a consultant on how NOW to do things."

'Can't they just switch to smaller barrels?'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

Rare earths are the key to a greenwashed, technotopian future

'Office' block tightening it's belt

Wind-generated power. Wind turbines attached to Battersea Power Station's iconic chimneys

'The only problem downtown offices have using solar power is finding a long enough extension cord.'

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

Motivation to work